Hello everyone! Just wanted to post a little update on our situation. My heart was so happy when Elizabeth brought me this picture she drew. Our little family...baby brother included. :)
The last few weeks have been a roller coaster. We had two doctors appointments and I wanted to write about it, but honestly it was just too painful. They didn't see any change during the ultrasound, however two positive things...they say his heart and lungs look good. So we are thankful for that. However, despite the positive points, my mama heart is still so burdened to hear the doctor talk about the future. Going to the doctor is like ripping a scab off a wound. We just get settled back in to "regular" life when we are confronted again with the health problems our little boy is facing. I know it's their job to tell us all the potential issues...and I don't fault them for it. But it's also difficult to hear knowing we still don't know what will happen. Right now, I'm 28 weeks and we still have a long road of uncertain waiting. And that is hard. I've been hesitant to mention specifics because of the uncertainty, but they highly suspect he has Trismony 18. I'm thankful to have found several others who have walked this same road. Their stories give me hope to remember that no matter the outcome, God is good.
You know....to be honest, the day to day living is just downright hard. I leave the doctor's office feeling so crushed. So overwhelmed. My mind racing through all the possibilities of the next few months and how I would deal with each one. I lived there for a few days and am miserable. Yet, the Lord has been so faithful (again and again) to gently lift up my tear streamed face and whisper peace.
I find as my tummy grows, that natural desire to hold my baby only grows as well. To see him and know him. To watch him roll over and take his first steps. To see him spill cheerios on our floor and wrestle with his brothers. Most likely argue with Elizabeth. Maybe even see him walk across a stage one day to accept a diploma and perhaps hold my husband's hand as we watch him marry the girl he loves. All dreams my heart has to hold so loosely as we simply take each day and be grateful for the time we are granted with him.
I'm thankful that the Lord knows my heart...He knows my desires. He knows my boy. He knows the number of his days...and the number of my own. If I dwell too much on the future I am filled with uncertainly and fear. If I dwell too much on the past I find regret or empty wishes of how things could have been different. So in all of this I am reminded to be present today. To be thankful. We never know what a day may hold...what difficulties or joys may come, but focusing my mind on the Lord and being grateful for today brings so much more peace than the alternative. And trust me...my mind has been in both places. I think the Lord occasionally let's me have such low moments to remind me that any strength I feel during this process is not my own, but truly a gift from Him.
And for that I am so thankful.
Two verses that I'm trying to remember....
"Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes."
James 4:14
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own."
Matthew 6:34
And also... some of you may have seen an interesting thing in our front yard. A "For Sale" sign. I will write more on another day, but we have been looking for a place with a little bit of land for over a year. Wouldn't you know, but a few days after that ultrasound that turned our lives upside down, a house came available that we loved. Life has been beyond crazy preparing to move...preparing our house to sell, but I'm thankful for something to occupy my mind. If you know of anyone who is looking for a home, send them our way. This house has been such a blessing to our family and it's going to be hard for me to say goodbye.
Thank you again for all the love, support, meals, phone calls, texts... For the friends who have let me vent, who have cried with me, who have dropped by mums and popcorn, left little things in my mailbox, for letters from people across the country who have heard of our situation and taken time to write... for those who have prayed over me and my little boy. Words fail me to truly express my gratitude. Thank you all. We keep on knowing that God's story is unfolding and we don't want to miss it. (words from one of my favorite people.... my Granny)
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