"The scan is not normal." Words that will forever echo in my mind. When we walked into the doctor's appointment that day we were laughing and joking about "fourth baby" stuff. I assumed the appointment would be routine, and we would soon be showing ultrasound pictures to our kids and carrying on the excitement of welcoming a new life to our family. Yet, in an instant everything changed. We left heartbroken and shocked at the thought of loosing our baby.
We were told his life would most likely not make it to term, which left a constant anxiety in our hearts of when. To our delight, the days have come and gone, and his little body has continued to grow. We had our last doctor's appointment today, and I can't begin to express how thankful I am that we have made it this far. I've experienced all the blessings of a normal pregnancy. I savored every move and kick. I've waddled my way around the grocery store and been awaked by heartburn more times than I can count. I've loved watching our kids response to my growing tummy, and the look in their eyes when we talk about meeting the baby.
Since we are five days away from meeting him, I thought I would share five things I have learned (well, am learning) from our (soon to be born) son. I pray that one day I get to sit and talk with him and share the miracle of his birth and the great impact of his tiny life. The Lord has used him to teach me so much....
1. I'm not guaranteed tomorrow, so be thankful for today.
Because of the scans and concerns of the doctors, each day has held so much uncertainty. I can't tell you how quickly my perspective changed. Things that once seemed so important faded to the background and the truly valuable things rose to the surface. Every day has felt like a gift, and not one I take for granted. I've tried to slow down and really cherish the moments, good and bad. I think I have this idea that somehow I have control over my days, and yet... I don't. I have no idea what tomorrow may hold, so I should make the most of today.
"Be very careful then how you should live - not as unwise, but as wise, making the most of every opportunity..."
-Ephesians 5:16
2. God will give us the strength we need, when we need it.
For so long I have lived with some pretty deep fears. Fears of things I can't control or change. Yet, after finding ourselves in the right smack in the middle of one of my greatest fears, I have discovered one thing....God has been faithful. I would be lying if I said this experience has been easy or free of pain. It hasn't. Its been hard. Really hard. There have been many tears and moments of complete brokenness. In fact, I think I realize my own weakness more than ever. I'm learning I don't have to muster up the strength or be "prepared" enough to face the difficulties of life. I'm simply a weak person who happens to believe in an incredibly strong and powerful God. And He gives ABUNDANTLY when we cry out to him. I've experienced it.
"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."
-Philippians 4:13
3. Outward appearance means nothing.
I remember them telling us about his little cleft lip and my heart breaking. Please understand, I love him no matter what physical issues he may have.... Yet, the reality of living in a world that places so much value on physical beauty is a tough one. I want to protect him...to shelter him from any stares or mean comments. However, I know the Lord is using this issue to help me look beyond the physical to seek the beauty that lies within. Not just in our own little boy, but others, too.
"The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man look at the outward appears, but the Lord looks at the heart."
-1 Samuel 16:7
4. The Lord's ways are higher than ours.
There have been so many Bible stories that have taken on new life to me. Those who went to Jesus when their loved ones were sick...or had even died. I understand the desperation they must have felt. The panicked feeling they must have experienced... because suddenly I found myself in a situation where I'm begging the Lord to heal our own baby. There have been many sleepless nights spent wondering why the Lord chooses to heal some and not others. Life doesn't always seem fair or make sense. The greatest peace I've experienced has come when I simply surrender to the fact there are things on this earth I will never understand. Pain. Heartbreak. Betrayal. Frustration. Loss. Amazingly, the Lord has a way of taking these experiences and weaving them into a beautiful story that ultimately brings all the glory back to Him. His ways are definitely higher than mine, and I can trust Him even when I don't understand. And you know what? The things we fear the most, may just turn out to be the greatest blessings of our life.
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways." declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." -Isaiah 55:8-9
"this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life..."
-short part of John 9:3... but all of 9 is so good
5. Be bold and ready to give an answer...
I've debated so much about whether or not to share our experience in such a public way. I'm certain I cringe every time before I hit, "publish." Yet, I keep thinking of the verse that says... "Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have." (1 Peter 3:15). I don't know where I would be without the hope of Christ. Our little guy has provided such an opportunity to experience a peace and strength that only the Lord can provide. I want others to have that, too. In writing down our story, one of my greatest desires is that perhaps one day our own kids might read and see the faithfulness of God. My little ones have seen ALL the behind the scenes of our experience. The good days and bad. The times I've completely broken down or been incredibly frustrated. I know they won't see a perfect mama, but I pray they see a perfect God who is there for us in the midst of our pain. How time and time again, He whispers peace and calms the storm. I'm not sure how the story will unfold, but I know He will make ALL things beautiful in His time. He has a way of doing that... I have seen it in so many others and their bold testimony has inspired me to press on..
"One generation will command your works to another, they will tell of your mighty acts. They will speak of the glorious splendor of your majesty, and I will mediate on your wonderful works, and I will proclaim your great deeds. They will celebrate your abundant goodness and joyfully sing of your righteousness."
-Psalm 145:5-7
So to our little one...
*side note....many have asked and no, we do not have a name nailed down. Not out of lack of thought or care, but more so the desire for the name to be perfect for him. I think we are going to have to meet him first!
You have blessed me with your life. I absolutely can't wait to meet you.
5 days.
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