Well, hello old blog... long time no see. Back in the spring I made the decision use what little free time I have with my sweet kids...which meant something had to go. So I said goodbye to my little blog, but a few things have happened lately that have stirred my heart to write again.
Many of you know we are expecting our fourth child. We are 20 weeks today. This pregnancy has been awesome. I've had little morning sickness (so different from the others!) and our kids are old enough to understand that they are gaining a brother or sister....cue all the excitement. ;) However, I knew when our doctor walked into the room this week something was wrong. He explained that the ultrasound scan showed several complications with our baby... cleft palette, kidney issues, among other things. My heart dropped and I tried to understand, but it was if my mind couldn't process it all. Basically, he felt that the baby would most likely not survive to term... or if so, potentially not live long after birth.
Tears. Lots of them.
I walked out of his office feeling so numb and heartbroken. So many questions... So many fears... With our other kids we've waited to find out the gender until birth. Something we have absolutely loved, but as I was driving home from the appointment, I had to know. Who was this baby inside of me who was already dealing with so much? I called back to his office and asked if they could tell me the gender. I smiled through my tears as she said, "It's a boy." We haven't told our kids yet, but I know I'm going to have some 'splainin' to do to my daughter. She was convinced this baby was a girl...and also convinced I had the deciding vote. Grin.
Our doctor referred us on to see a specialist who confirmed their suspicions. I have never dreaded anything like I did that appointment. Most ultrasounds are so fun and exciting, but this one was so difficult. The room felt cold and sterile. Uncomfortably quiet. I longed for it to be over... for everything to be normal with our baby... for them to say that they had been wrong and everything was fine. But instead, they explained the issues are definitely there and so much will be unknown until the baby is born....if the baby is able to survive until term.
So here we are in a place of complete uncertainty. Our lives have been turned upside down with no indication that it will return to "normal" anytime soon. My heart is broken with a grief I have never experienced and the questions that race through my mind seem unending... Will our baby live? Will our baby die? Will our baby be severely handicapped? Will I deliver a baby that will most likely never get to go home with us? What do we tell our kids? Is this all somehow my fault?
Honestly, some of my greatest fears have been to miscarry a child...or for the child to have serious heath issues or handicaps that I feel inadequate to care for. I find myself staring these fears in the face which brings me to the main reason I wanted to write was this...
In the midst of it all... I have hope.
A hope that I know comes from my relationship with Jesus Christ. It's nothing I've had to muster or try to come up with...but truly the mercy of a loving God. In no way is this easy or without pain... but there is a quiet peace... a strength in my heart that I know has been graciously given by my Mighty God. Several verses have come to my mind over the past few days:
"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23
...and this one...
"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139:13-16
I have had this little guy's first photo tucked in my Bible at that verse since our 10 week ultrasound. God knows where we are, and He cares more for our boy than we ever could. I certainly don't understand why this is happening... or what will happen. But I know that God will be enough for whatever we have to face, and that God has a perfect plan for this little boy's life...even if he never gets to experience life outside of the womb.
We so appreciate your prayers, for we know that the next few days... maybe months... maybe years will be difficult. I'm praying that the Lord will give us strength to face the days with joy and confidence in the midst of it all. I find myself with a new thankfulness for life and for the many things we so easily take for granted. I stare at my sweet kids faces, just thankful that they are so vibrant and healthy. And I'm thankful that they help keep things light... Just this morning Elijah decided to dump out a huge package of sweetener all over the floor. It looks like it snowed in our kitchen. Then this afternoon he decided to pour out a bottle of sparkle glue and rub it through his hair. Can we say "guilty?"
We so appreciate all the texts, calls, emails... your support has been so tremendously helpful to us during this time. And also... to our little boy... We absolutely love you. You are completely perfect to us. We hope to get to know you on this side of heaven, but if not... I am so thankful to have the honor of carrying you for this time. You will always be our boy. So now we wait to see what our Great God has in store... And I'm confident that He does not make mistakes and will work all things together for good.
Commentaires