Yesterday was 22 weeks with our little boy. It's been 2 weeks (it feels like sooooo much longer!) since we received word that this pregnancy was different than the others. The ultrasound showed the baby has complications that lead them to believe life outside the womb might not be possible.
We had a checkup this past week to discuss some of the results from our last ultrasound. Going to the doctor is so hard. This is such a unique situation in which we are to carry on with our pregnancy as normal...knowing full well, nothing is normal. As we waited to be called back, I was so scared I felt sick. It was all I could do to hold back the tears. Our conversation with the doctor was another grim one. Lots of discussion about what the next few months may hold. Or may not. There is just so much uncertainty. Anyway... It was heavy stuff. I left his office feeling absolutely crushed by the weight of it all. The rest of the day my thoughts were consumed by the various outcomes we may face. Honestly, most of which scare me to death.
The next morning I woke up dreading the day. I laid there with thoughts swirling. Fear. So much fear. I kept thinking, "I don't want to do today." But then my mind was reminded of a little picture that came to me when we first heard of our situation.... Stay with me here :)
Let's rewind to my oldest son's first birthday. Josh thought it would be a great idea to get him a little fish tank. I was hesitant because I have a tender heart when it comes to animals, and I hate to see them die. Even little fish. And what do fish do? They die. :) However, we came home with 5 or 6 fish and set up the tank with bright colored stones and fresh water. We plopped the little guys in and everything was great... until about a week later. They were all dead. All except one. Can I just say, I called this from the start... I have never been good with fish! So with one fish left, which I endearingly call "Solo," I began to anticipate his demise. I neglected to clean his tank because I figured it was only a matter of time. I hardly ever changed the water because I assumed, "What's the point?." Every day I would walk in to feed him, braced to find him floating at the top of the tank. Every single day. To my surprise, I would find him hiding in the back, swimming happily in his little world. Ready for the crazy part? He is STILL alive!! 5 years later! I feel like we should be coming up on some sort of world record here. And I feel like I should have cleaned his tank more. :)
So when we received our news, I remember walking past his tank and thinking... All these years I've anticipated the worst and I've failed to truly enjoy this silly little fish. Fear can be such a crippling thing that makes every day living nearly impossible. In that moment, I realized I have a choice. I can let my mind dwell on all the things we can't control... or I can choose to trust the Lord. I can believe that He has a plan and no matter how difficult it may be, He WILL use it for good. I can live in fear...or I can try my best to live!
I forced myself out of bed and decided to embrace the day... Squeeze my kids extra tight... kiss my hubby a little bit longer...and cherish all these moments that are so fleeting. I'll be honest, since that heartbreaking appointment I've had a hard time enjoying this pregnancy... in some ways it's just too painful. But, I'm thankful the Lord is giving me strength to find joy in the journey. I wish every day were easy, but it's not. You know what? I'm learning even that's ok. It's part of the adventure. And if with the Lord as our guide, we have nothing to fear.
So... Me and my boy.... 22 weeks. I'm thankful that this past week I've started feeling him move so much more. Elizabeth loves rubbing my belly and telling her baby brother sweet little things. It melts my heart. I'm thankful for hearing his heartbeat at our appointment and that he is growing. God has already used his life to change his Mama's heart in more ways than I can express. Every tiny kick makes me whisper, "I feel you little one...and we are in this together."
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